Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
We have started to decorate penises.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
