what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
