Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
