First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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