Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
