I just pynch a tree in the face
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
