at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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