i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
