he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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