Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
