So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
im on a boat
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