I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
