yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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