i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
