just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
