the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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