3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
