so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
