yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
