FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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