I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
