she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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