If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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