Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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