I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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