Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
