well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
