Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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