I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
