My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
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