Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
