I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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