I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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