Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
