Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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