I'm drive I can fine osifer
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
