I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
