I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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