Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize