the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
