Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
