I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
