i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
