There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I got inside last night via doggy door
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
