I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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