my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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