My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
