Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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