so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
