she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
